wax-winged angel
laying my soul bare but anonymously. its like cropping ur face outta yr nudes
laying my soul bare but anonymously. its like cropping ur face outta yr nudes
so. welcome 2 my twisted mind etc etc. i just made this site a few days ago, not rly sure what im hoping 2 get out of it....is this some sorta attention thing?? It's More Likely Than U Think!
anyway, i dont see any point in bothering w foreplay. ill just cut to the chase, say what i wanna say. so, pretty severe topic on the agenda: morality.
morality's something we all have our own unique, often complex relationships w. me included, obviously. it's something that more or less consumes my waking thought. it's a key factor in every decision i make. it bounds my wrists so i cant reach out for easy reliefs -- i can't lie in moments where it's the only way to save my own skin, even if it takes no hostages. i don't know what it is, i'll be planning on lying, spinning some pretty little fiction abt how i missed a test bc of some sudden illness, or a death in the family, dog ate my homework -- pick your poison. i'll be planning on it, have it scripted in my head, but then i meet the person's eyes and i just fucking can't, the truth just boils up in my throat and dribbles out from my lips.
i wasn't always this way, mind you. when i was 15, i was horrible, and fuck if i didn't know it. i pulled my brutality around me like a blanket. ok this is really fucking melodramatic, but. i mean, i think all 15-year olds are inherently evil, just a little. morals don't take root until the later stages of puberty. anyway, i wasn't a monster or anything, but i sure was a 15-year-old. i made fun of people, talked shit behind people's backs, stuck my nose where it didn't belong, was generally a fucking carcinogen in smudged eyeliner. and i knew it, too. "bitch" was a self-affixed label. if anyone wanted to criticize anything i did, i could simply repartee with "yeah, i'm a bitch." it was an identity, something i could pin any sin on. you can't leave a wolf in a sheep pen and request it do no harm. to refrain would be to deny its very nature. "it's not my fault; this is just the way i am."
incidentally, i was horribly depressed during this time in my life if u can believe it!!
anyway, claiming it as part of my identity freed me from blame -- could you blame the wolf for being a wolf? -- but it also trapped me in a cage of my own design (any label does, really). ascribing a label allows you to describe something, right? but here's the catch: you're not just defining what something is, you're also defining everything it isn't. by saying you're a bad person, you rob yourself of your capacity to be a good person. you rob yourself of any other option, because it contradicts with this self-imposed label. you're not a wolf, you're a person, right? (unless ur a furry ig? no judgement here, do what makes ya happy.) wolf, person; these are objective labels. you're a person as dictated by biology. but are you a "bad" person? "bad" is subjective; there's no encyclopedic definition. so stop characterizing yourself as such. you're just using it as an excuse, as a way to avoid accountability for your actions.
i got better when it clicked in my head that the only one with a hand in my goodness was me. i don't think morality is a question of whether an individual is good or not, i think it's a concept that concerns itself with actions. i don't care how awful you think you are, you attain "goodness" by doing good things. do you think terrible thoughts? the only way you become terrible is by acting on them. being good is about doing good. how do you define what's "moral?" a moral judgement is defined as being "of or relating to principles of right and wrong in behavior" (by the power vested in merriam-webster), a moral action is something you do when you act on those principles (by the power vested in me, as a person on the internet with an opinion. suck my dick).
i have some personal "laws," if you will, that govern how i conduct myself. this all ties into one of them:if you know something to be righteous,to entertain any alternative is weakness. i like being mean to myself so "weakness" might be a little harsh, but. cowardly, maybe. maybe i should have a page on here that lists my "laws." mmmm that might be kinda culty actually. but hey, as god once said, a little cultishness keeps shit interesting. (im not lying its in the bible. u can look if u dont believe me, its one of the commandments)
uhh fuk i kinda got off-track from what i originally intended 2 say but its like 12 now and i have some important business 2 attend 2....tune in later 4 more ravings from yr local prospective cult leader (if youll have me....<3) wishing u godspeed till we next meet
hereeee we go again my brain is once again forcing me to Think Thoughts. god, i wish i was....not dumber, bc im not sure if its an issue of intelligence exactly, but more oblivious. less aware of the mechanics of situations. thats rly vague but whatever, thats not even what this is about. i mean, it ties in. lachesism, which is the desire to be struck by disaster. a very stupid desire, obviously, but i'm prone to a lil stupidity now n then. i want awful fucking things to happen to me. this naturally draws the questions of 'why,' and, "have you experienced any disorganized or incoherent thinking, such as rambling or irrelevant conversation in the past month?" and listen, i dont get it either. what's my real desire here? do i want to be hurt bc i think i deserve it, bc i want attention? actually i think i know why. it's a need for stimulation. i think that makes the most sense. i, in general, am a lot less sensitve to stimulation than most ppl. i experience life on a lower volume. i mean that im just not very affected by most things -- my baseline has a lower capacity for amplitude.
