wax-winged angel
laying my soul bare but anonymously. its like cropping yr face outta yr nudes
laying my soul bare but anonymously. its like cropping yr face outta yr nudes
so. welcome 2 my twisted mind etc etc. i just made this site a few days ago, not rly sure what im hoping 2 get out of it....is this some sorta attention thing?? It's More Likely Than U Think!
anyway, i dont see any point in bothering w foreplay. lets cut to the chase. so, pretty severe topic on the agenda: morality.
morality's something we all have our own unique, often complex relationships w. me included, obviously. it's something that more or less consumes <3 my <3 every <3 waking <3 thought <3 it's a key factor in every decision i make. it binds my wrists so i cant reach out for easy reliefs -- i can't lie in moments where it's the only way to save my own skin, even if it takes no hostages. i don't know what it is, i'll be planning on lying, spinning some pretty little fiction abt how i missed a test bc of some sudden illness, or a death in the family, dog ate my homework -- pick your poison. i'll be planning on it, have it scripted in my head, but then i meet the person's eyes and i just fucking can't, the truth just boils up in my throat and dribbles out from my lips.
i wasn't always this way, mind you. when i was 15, i was horrible, and fuck if i didn't know it. i pulled my brutality around me like a blanket. ok this is really fucking melodramatic, but. i mean, i think all 15-year olds are inherently evil, just a little. morals don't take root until the later stages of puberty. anyway, i wasn't a monster or anything, but i sure was a 15-year-old. i made fun of people, talked shit behind people's backs, stuck my nose where it didn't belong, was generally a fucking carcinogen in smudged eyeliner. and i knew it, too. "bitch" was a self-affixed label. if anyone wanted to criticize anything i did, i could simply repartee with "yeah, i'm a bitch." it was an identity, something i could pin any sin on. you can't leave a wolf in a sheep pen and request it do no harm. to refrain would be to deny its very nature. "it's not my fault; this is just the way i am."
incidentally, i was horribly depressed during this time in my life if u can believe it!!
anyway, claiming it as part of my identity freed me from blame -- could you blame the wolf for being a wolf? -- but it also trapped me in a cage of my own design (any label does, really). ascribing a label allows you to describe something, right? but here's the catch: you're not just defining what something is, you're also defining everything it isn't. by saying you're a bad person, you rob yourself of your capacity to be a good person. you rob yourself of any other option, because it contradicts with this self-imposed label. you're not a wolf, you're a person, right? (unless ur a furry ig? no judgement here, do what makes ya happy.) wolf, person; these are objective labels. you're a person as dictated by biology. but are you a "bad" person? "bad" is subjective; there's no encyclopedic definition. so stop characterizing yourself as such. you're just using it as an excuse, as a way to avoid accountability for your actions.
i got better when it clicked in my head that the only one with a hand in my goodness was me. i don't think morality is a question of whether an individual is good or not, i think it's a concept that concerns itself with actions. i don't care how awful you think you are, you attain "goodness" by doing good things. do you think terrible thoughts? the only way you become terrible is by acting on them. being good is about doing good. how do you define what's "moral?" a moral judgement is defined as something "of or relating to principles of right and wrong in behavior" (by the power vested in merriam-webster), a moral action is something you do when you act on those principles (by the power vested in me, as a person on the internet with an opinion. suck my dick).
i have some personal "laws," if you will, that govern how i conduct myself. this all ties into one of them:if you know something to be righteous,to entertain any alternative is weakness. i like being mean to myself so "weakness" might be a little harsh, but. cowardly, maybe. maybe i should have a page on here that lists my "laws." mmmm that might be kinda culty actually. but hey, as god once said, a little cultishness keeps shit interesting. (im not lying its in the bible. u can look if u dont believe me, its one of the commandments)
uhh fuk i kinda got off-track from what i originally intended 2 say but its like 12 now and i have some important business 2 attend 2....tune in later 4 more ravings from yr local prospective cult leader (if youll have me....<3) wishing u godspeed till we next meet
hereeee we go again my brain is once again forcing me to Think Thoughts. god, i wish i was....not dumber, bc im not sure if its an issue of intelligence exactly, but more oblivious. less aware of the mechanics of situations. thats rly vague but whatever, thats not even what this is about. i mean, it ties in. lachesism, which is the desire to be struck by disaster. a very stupid desire, obviously, but i'm prone to a lil stupidity now n then. i want awful fucking things to happen to me. this naturally draws the questions of "why?" and, "have you experienced any disorganized or incoherent thinking in the past month?" and listen, i dont get it either. what's my real desire here? do i want to be hurt bc i think i deserve it, bc i want attention? actually i think i know why. it's a need for stimulation. i think that makes the most sense. i, in general, am a lot less sensitve to stimulation than most ppl. i experience life on a lower volume. i mean that im just not very affected by most things -- everything comes at a lower amplitude. the highs and the lows aren't quite so far for me. maybe that's why happiness and sadness kinda bleed into one another. no, i know why. when i'm sad i'm happy that i feel anything at all. and when i said happiness, i meant the tender kind. i don't like it, because it feels too close to vulnerability. and whenever i'm happy, whenever i have a heavenly moment, i think about the fact tht it'll end.
be careful not to fly too close to the sun.
but yeah, growing up i felt alienated from my peers, cuz the issues they confronted just weren't....the same as mine. like, i wasn't affected by the things that were concerns to them, and vice versa. it was necessary at the time, but things are different, i feel safe now (well, not really, but i know -- logically, i mean -- that i am). funny how the things that once kept you alive are now gonna fucking kill you if you let them.
i feel like nothing's real until it bleeds. but that's not enough anymore. i wanna be okay. i wanna be strong. i wanna be absolute. i wanna be pure. i wanna feel the sun on my face
haven't logged on here in a bit. this'll be a short one. you can't be both strong and a pussy. well, you can, but that kinda defeats the whole point, don't you think? if you're pursuing strength for the right reasons at least. i mean this about my personal relationships; i think i can take it. i think i can hold it in my hand. life is fucking short.
funny how all i needed to do to discard cowardice was pose it as evidence of a weakness in character
this sites somehow gotten like 850 views which is weird but cool. does neocities recommend ppls sites to other users or smth? i havent done anything to promote it. idk doesnt rly matter.
podcast voice welcome back to another episode of me talking about shit and whatnot. as one does. todays topic is. drumroll. passive aggression!!! my general opinion on it: i dont do it bc its stupid n pussy but its funny when other ppl do it bc its stupid n pussy. elaboration: the less direct u are the more vulnerable u are to being dismissed. the more vague u are the more freedom other ppl have in their interpretations of whatever yr trynna communicate. it may go over their heads completely. and not only that, but even if they do catch on, they still have the power bc they get to choose whether or not they wanna acknowledge it. they sure as hell arent obligated to, bc by failing to be explicit youve given em plausible deniability. they dont gotta deal w yr shit bc u havent actually dumped it out in front of them. maybe a nicer person would acknowledge it anyway, but not me! im a dickhead. except a self-righteous dickhead -- which is arguably a million times worse -- bc i think im justified. i think u need to learn that closed mouths dont get fed; im not gonna facilitate yr cowardice babe! im not gonna spoonfeed u im gonna make u spit itput. idk why but i get super aggressive w ppl when theyre acting in ways i perceive to be cowardly, even if it isnt hurting anyone but them. in my mind a coward is the worst thing u can be. im more gentle definitely when i feel theyre being sincere but if i sense theyre being manipulative and trying to get smth ill turn into a barracuda. rly backfires on ppl. i basically say nut up or shut up -- tell me what u want here honestly or suffer in silence, youll learn it doesnt get u anywhere. except somehow it never rly goes the "shut up" route bc ppl are actually rly hesitant to actually fully commit to the passive role; on some level they almost always still want smth, and so they dont wanna actually put in a good show -- they dont ACTUALLY wanna convince u. some ppl do, and those are the ppl im gentle with, bc those are the ppl who genuinely see their demands as burdens. but its pretty fucking easy to tell real from fake. for me at least. studies show no correlation btwn how good ppl think they are at detecting lies and their actual abilities to do so, which is interesting, but this is my "rip but im different" domain. especially w manipulators, bc theres a discrepancy btwn what theyre saying and what they wanna communicate, a clear one, just watch n listen
sometimes things just click into place. my old man had to travel 4 work, so the landscape was always changing....no wonder he started studying the stars
everything's going pretty good rn actually. the only problem is that in the past month ive been thinking abt love. its not smth im ready 4, or at least not in its absolute form. i was thinking abt it in august bc i saw my ex -- THE ex, and then i was distracted 4 a while bc school's started again (ie this is my first real semester of in-person university classes..n ppl), but these past few days my friends have been talking a fuckton abt boys. ive only ever been in love once, n it was w the aforementioned ex. i kinda wanna talk abt him, abt him n me, as kind of exorcism. "memory is a ghost begging for new flesh" -donte collins, etc etc god this is fucking annoying.suppressing thoughts doesnt actually work, but at the same time u cant indulge them. ive found that just staying busy is the best remedy when it comes to shit like this, but i gotta gut this issue. i either gotta find a way to live w love, be able 2 swallow it; or i gotta commit 2 its absence. but life is long, and ik at some point ill look 4 smth else, so better 2 unpack the issue of LOVE sooner than later. i guess ill outline the issues w it ik i have, then kinda run thru my history w it. idk whether all the childhood shit is worth bothering w so ig ill see how it goes. i guess i can describe the logic thru a detached lens, n the shit w my ex, who i hereforth dub J 4 the purpose of this entry i might look at a little more personally.. nah that probably isnt too wise. ill (try n) keep it detached too, but ill probably get more personal abt specific events.
shawty got that fearful-avoidant attachment style <333 its like. rare 2 find yrself (or, well, myself) fitting a paradigm cookie-cutter, since ppl r rarely completely one way, but in this case thats one of those things i can say i fully am described by. which is fucking annoying LMAO i mean its good 2 resonate w shit in the sense that its nice 2 feel understood, but in the context of a problem it kinda TOTALLY SUCKS WHALE DICK. kinda <3 anyway, FA attachment has been characterized as a style in which u think yr shit but u also think other ppl r shit. healing this mentality involves saying "ahh dw it cancels out #alphamindset" n moving on w yr life :) no but its weird in that i dont consciously dislike either myself or other ppl as a whole (in the case of the former im actually totally up my own ass, think im great, quasi- god complex but not rly bc im not fully committed 2 my own delusion-narrative. so lets say like. demigod complex.. badum tschhh. these r the jokes ppl. laugh sign lights up) but im not satisfied w either. i mean, clearly lmao. i resent the fact that i have 2 TRY 4 love, which is dumb bc blah blah love is abt compromise, but my core fear is letting other ppl derail me. i dont wanna have 2 try 4 love but i simultaneously recognize the necessity of making an effort, except totally not in the conventional healthy way. ithink i gotta make an effort, not directly towards commitment n security, but being so great i dont NEED 2 be that open n vulnerable but still be desired. that probably isnt a good explanation lmao, but i mean i ACTUALLY ill understand its fine. ok actually i gotta go now but 2 be continued unless i forget :) but no yeah thisll come up again at some point even if i do
ok im gonna try and actually dedicate myself 2 sorting out my shit now. and this is just.. an explicit declaration of that ig. im considering using this as an actual proper diary, in which i actually talk abt my life n whatnot, bc thus far its just been 4 like....analysis, ig, anything i feel is too formal 4 my actual physical notebook. but i mean, theres no point rly in using physical notebooks when i can just do this 4 free. this week i read a paper by galen strawson called "against narrativity." it made me think abt my perception of my own life, my own narrative. last night was so weird, it just kinda drove the importance of defining what im doing, taking the time 2 be more cognizant of events n their place in a long-term context. after my last class, my friend n i got korean food. i remember looking at the POS terminal screen before tapping my debit card 2 pay n thinking it said $78, then being like no that cant be right, asked the lady 2 repeat the number, n she said $7.80 n i was like okk yeah that makes way more sense. n i paid. we went 2 my friend (lets call her K)'s apartment 2 eat n then we watched midsommar. i really enjoyed it, but i didnt have a super visceral reaction as ive come 2 expect is the intention within the horror genre nowadays (idk much abt horror as a whole, so. but yeah this was obviously different from the stereotypical horror movie). after i rolled the best joint of my life. cut the weed w tobacco n K gave me a bag of chamomile tea 2 add too bc why not. anyway after we got high i saw a text my other friend, R, sent me yesterday asking if i wanted 2 go out w her n a new friend shed made on the bus, "tomorrow night." theres more but ive lost my motivation
must be v cute seeing the first line of the last post then seeing the date of this one. september was a good month overall, october too, but november sucked. december was ok, i was mostly wrapped up in studying for exams. november made me worried that i was getting sad again. im not sure anymore that im capable of living a life of normalcy -- ie you work, feel ok, get married, have a kid, die. im scared life itself in terms of what it has to offer might not feel like enough for me. in a similar vein i realized recently that i cant really imagine ever liking someone enough 2 not get bored, 2 be fulfilled, 2 have a "forever." bc i lose interest in ppl, generally, as soon as they feel predictable 2 me. i feel like i understand ppl so easily, am so good at seeing the mechanics in their thinking, but am never understood myself. which makes me sad, but at the same time i knowingly perpetuate it. i dont rly wanna be understood. idk if its a fear that the "real" me would be rejected (which is the typical theory), or im just scared of being that exposed in terms of how itd allow someone 2 permeate all aspects of my being. i dont think id like having someone always able 2 guess what im thinking. i dont think i want 2 be known. i had 2 read a vogler paper 4 a philosophy class semester that spoke abt how ppl in long-term marriages may begin feeling disconnected from their partners, ie lose the spark, bc they feel their partners dont share themselves enough -- but vogler argued the issue was that they actually knew each other too well, and in their marriage became trapped in their own identities. 2 know smth is 2 define it, it and its limits (which ive written abt here before) and in knowing our partners, in thinking we can know them enough 2 predict their behaviour we trap them. arent the most fulfilling relationships the ones where u make each other feel capable of anything? so that's my problem. it's really just that i can't imagine being known, bc somehow in my mind i always view myself alone, as one unit within itself. likewise i hate opening up not bc im scared of vulnerability but bc im scared of being defined by that vulnerabilty. i can never imagine like....having that attitude apply on the partner level? ik that doesnt make sense but this is 4 me anyway. and ironically at the same time even if i view my existence as a solitary one im just stuck in other ppls perceptions of me. i feel like im acting in everything i do, that im always hiding smth, in everything i do. that i can never just honestly express myself. i cant imagine what that even means. and i think im p self-aware, so i know it every time. i just want 2 do what feels right and good in the moment, i dont wanna have 2 commit 2 a long-term identity. what kind of fucked up is the kind of person who lies in their own diary? just 4 the potential of it? i feel like i can never convince myself, if thats what im trying 2 do. but yeah, thats the kind of thing i mean when i say im not sure i can be happy with what life is. im not happy w what humanity is. and i cant ignore the broader reality of what it means 2 be human even if it never pokes into the bubble of my daily life. i cant stop judging ppl by the things i feel they have the potential 2 do -- like i regularly evaluate ppl in terms of like how theyd do in milgram's obedience studies. i hate what it means 2 be human. i dont think we're inherently bad -- honestly i'd probably feel better that way. and logically i know its unfair 2 judge ppl by what i feel they have the potential 2 do, but. anyway, i cant imagine being understood and being ok with it, but the thought of living a life without ever having really been known seems so shallow of an existence. i believe theres smth so special and sacred and intimate abt the ways in which ppl share themselves, but i just.... idk. i think i want 2 feel in sync w someone, but maybe i just like it in theory bc of hollywood movies, or bc thats been turned into the highest aspiration in womanhood -- is this a matter of me not being developed enough as a person 2 digest the concept of love in its reality, or do i just fundamentally not need it, n id benefit more by unlearning the desire. i should get back 2 studying
actually lol reading the last entry here is funny bc ive been in a fulfilling relationship for abt 9 months now. we actually hung out one-on-one for the first time abt 2 wks after i wrote that. and i havent been sad, ive actually been rly good, since last january w the exception of a month-long stint in june; but that was entirely circumstantial bc i was stuck in a position where i was rly physically isolated from everyone except my family, and my brain was doing double backflip mf pirouettes being, for the first time in like 5 years, open to the possibility of love. its been weird bc its reactivated patterns of emotional disregulation that i associate w being like 13, smth that hasnt rly had a role in my self-image for a long time. i got so used to being able to rely on my internal logic to determine and execute the appropriate course of action, and my ability to do this without emotional interference became such a given it freaked me out seeing it. i know however that this is just another aspect of myself to master, and that before i hadnt rly mastered myself, it just felt that way bc i wasnt confronted w love, aka the final boss of making u batshit insane. not that ive been that insane at all, like im prob better than most ppl on that count i think bc i reflect a lot on my actions.
anyway yeah. shes so perfect. i could gush more abt how CRAZY FUCKING COMPATIBLE WE R like i legit think we're so perfect together, and its so rare things feel "right 2 me" bc i process things logically>emotionally but thats how i KNOW. and in fact i just did a little. but i got caught up in updating n strayed from my original intention in logging rn. i actually shouldnt be spendin my time on this rn lmao its somehow already been 15 mins??? but just wanna unite some frameworks, this might only make sense 2 me so sry. objective state of mind + problem-focused coping + rationalization + humor.. etc
i think ive reached the golden mean n can now speak w some authority on how 2 do right by yrself -- the objectively correct and universal guide. jk ill just document my experience, take what u will. i didnt properly develop values until 17. i cant rly speak on how i was pre-middle school, but middle school me was like yeah no this all seems reasonable while reading diary of a whimpy kid despite the fact that u could make a case 4 him being a narcissist sociopath whatever (imo this label is a wordy way of saying hes 12). high school, most prominently when i was 15 i was a pissfuck, bc (a) i had no values and (b) i was overidentifying as a cynical person. i always laughed at everything; generally disdain was my default response to seeing ppl demonstrating they cared abt smth bc 2 me that was how u make yrself vulnerable. i thought not caring was the utmost virtue. but i didnt have a real developed inner self 2 defend so instead i preoccupied myself w defending my image. i reacted against the idea someone mightve made me look weak over the idea they mightve hurt me; that was an illegitimate concern that i couldnt address directly w them as theyd see i care. inevitably i was like oh this sucks, im empty. so i started putting value into things, developed my own value system, did things in secret so i knew they were real. anonymous acts of kindness, dancing alone, jumping in puddles. i leaned too far into this and ended up too far on the other side, around the time i first started writing these entries n btwn november n january last year, as had happened around may-july 2020 i felt kinda existentially depressed bc i was just overaware of humanitys deficits as a collective; ie the banality of evil, willingness to conform, spinelessness type shit bc this is in direect opposition 2 some of my most salient values; willfulness, self-referencing, critical thinking etc.
i think i shifted away from this just by focusing on being strong as an individual. i didnt rly make a conscious attempt 2 be less disillusioned w humanity, it just happened gradually bc i care more now abt nurturing the ppl around me. there r a lot of ppl i dont respect n i dont want anything from them. i dont waste my time being preoccupied w them. at the same time, i do what feels right 2 me both logically and morally -- ive developed a good internal sense of this thats p intuitive 2 me now -- and i feel good. like i said last time tho, being in a relationship is interesting bc its where i feel most tested n its harder 2 just automatically tilt toward the right thing bc my fi is all tied up in it, which is unfamiliar 4 me bc im an entp (im talking abt cognitive functions. fi is naturally p foreign 2 me).
just 2 document this somewhere: i am never again smoking weed outside of 2 contexts: i am in a group, everyone else is smoking and ill be bored as the only sober person. (b) im out w ppl, we're drinking n id rather get crossed than have 2 drink more 2 be as out of it as im looking 4. ideally ill extinguish the exceptions in these contexts but 4 now ik theyre when im most likely 2 be like "yeah ill smoke" w/o fully thinking n it may be unrealistic 2 expect myself not 2 fall victim 2 this before this principle is properly consolidated and automatic in my head. otherwise if i just do one of these things unthinkingly it could have a slippery slope effect.
my mom is schizophrenic so i genetically have a higher likelihood of developing it. in ppl w genetic susceptibilities, weed worsens the odds of it developing and its honestly just not worth it. this allows me 2 feel as though i have some degree of control in being able 2 prevent it, and additionally if i develop it i wont have 2 live w the knowledge i didnt even try n prevent it. its just not necessary, its a crutch and i dont need it n u should not teach yrself 2 associate substances w relaxation time or "giving yrself a break/treat."
this is in part spurred by my feeling contemptuous towards one of my friends whos so unwilling 2 have a growth mindset n TRY N BE BETTER. he found out a few months ago hes rly fucking up his liver from drinking and was initially better abt it but hes been backsliding and i do not respect it. i do not respect wallowing in self-pity and subjectivity n giving yrself too much slack. we're remarkably adaptable creatures; if u can renegotiate yr perception of the options available 2 u (which is necessary when ppl have substance issues 2 stop; u need 2 stop seeing it as an option. the perception of its availability is a big part of whats plaguing u.), u will likely 2 able 2 adjust 2 the new immovable parameters. we reinforce these perceptions inevitably by observing them. i believe spirituality, morality etc r abt inconvenience; observing yr beliefs even when theyre inconvenient, even when it means u most forego a shortcut u cannot show yrself they can be conditional or else they lose all their value. he doesnt see imo the pain it causes ppl around him. if u let ppl take care of u u must repay their kindness by TRYING 2 BE BETTER AND MINIMIZE THE LABOR THEYVE COMMITTED 2 DOING IN THEIR BEING INVESTED IN YR WELLBEING. the friend's s/o is genuinely such an amazing person and ik its so hard on them. and they never complain, despite having so many of their own hardships. its not fair. u cant make other ppl pick up yr slack. its a disservice not just 2 yrself but the ppl around u. his behavior has made him someone v hard 2 respect in my eyes. he is far less receptive 2 criticism n considering that ppl on the other side of his bhvr r negatively affected by it is very hard 4 him when the issue in question brushes upon one of his own sensitivities compared 2 most ppl ive encountered.
its so important 2 prove the value of yr own word 2 yrself. that u can and will follow thru. that u can trust yrself. that u can do what needs 2 be done, make and follow thru on the changes necessary. TRY AND FUCKING DO THE HARD THING. DO NOT RATIONALIZE, BE VERY MINDFUL OF WHERE U DRAW THE LINE OF WHEN ITS OK 2 MAKE EXCEPTIONS. DONT KID YRSELF. THIS IS NOT A ONE-OFF, U ARE SETTING A PRECEDENT. EXCEPTIONS BUILD UP 2 FORM HABITS. THE DESERT IS MADE UP OF A MILLION GRAINS OF SAND; U MUST LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE, LOOK AT THE WHOLE DESERT AND ASK YRSELF WHAT THE ACCUMULATION OF ALL YR "ONE-OFFS" LOOK LIKE. JUST FUCKING TRY. REGRET IS THE MOST BITTER KIND OF PAIN, FAR MORE SO THAN FAILURE. DO WHAT ALLOWS U 2 GO 2 BED KNOWING U TRIED. THAT U DID YR BEST. THAT U WILL KEEP DOING YR BEST, AND HAVING THIS MINDSET IS THE MOST VALUABLE QUALITY U COULD POSSESS. BC NO MATTER WHAT EXTERNAL ADVERSITY U FACE, U HAVE YRSELF, AND U ARE A FUCKING FIGHTER.
